They call cancer that an awful lot... And it is pretty true. It gives no forewarning, no signs. I had a check-up and they just happened to find something that "looked funny". What the hell.... three weeks of meticulous tests and I am finally told. Just a couple of weeks ago, I went in for a severe headache, then a full body scan later, they give me a week and tell me there is a small tumor in my brain. They say I am forgetting things and losing concentration because of it. Is it too much for me to say that I wish I had a longer time to spend seeing the world? I think about it, and think about all that I will miss most.... I will miss life. I will miss it all. All of my online friends, all my real life friends, my brother. I think about how selfish that sounds, to try and grasp this fragile life and never let go. I cried the other day. Literally fought back tears, simply because I realize just how beautiful everything really is. And it takes death biding his time until your number is up to make some realize it. How sad.... I am optimistic, though there is nothing they can do. I have lived long enough to see all I have wanted to see.... love, be loved, I have done crazy things.... Done things I am not proud of, but I am not ashamed to say that I have done my best to live my life to the very fullest. I pray, despite myself.... and I find faith a great release. I am happy.... content.... for the first time in years. This is a good feeling. Thank you all.

December 24th/25th to Present

These two days I spent with friends and family. Christmas Eve was spent taking a long (pretty damn cold) walk in the park. Took a tour around Charleston bundled up. I finally got ahold of plenty of Nioxin shampoo and conditioner. I managed to save most of my hair. Haha. It grew some, and now it's past my shoulders by a couple of inches. Left it brown. I am afraid that if I do anything drastic to it that I may lose it all. Haha. Maybe that is a dumb suspicion, but in the time that I did hair I found that a lot of patients came in after bleaching or dying their hair only to damage it easily enough to make it fall out. So maybe, not so dumb.

Treatments increased after the New Year, I feel horrible. I celebrated my birthday before all the treatments, thank god.... I am a year older, and know a lot more now than I did a year ago. Some of it I wish I did not, but hey win some lose some.

Either way, I know I have not updated in a long while and I finally have a chance where I can sit up without feeling really dizzy and sick. I stayed in bed for a long time, I would say I am not going to bore you with the symptoms but I also promised a lot of you no holds barred and full on truth. I coughed up blood for the first time last night, and I freaked to say the least. Calling my doctors after hours and such, but I was told it would happen. Full body scan number two comes in a week, so I am more than certain they are going to find something else. I had the flu for a while, too, which sucked. I will say that I finally feel better, though the toilet is still my best friend at the moment.

As far as Christmas goes, I have to say that I got some pretty neat stuff from great friends. They sent, gave, and brought me lots of lovely things. Stuff to do artwork, an updated Photoshop, digital camera, MP3 fully loaded for when I'm laying there doing chemo. Lots of nice gifts. The most meaningful came from one of my roommates. He gave me a silver bracelet, and engraved on the inside it said "Promise to never lose hope". And that is just what I did. I told him I would not. Just for him.

I have to tell you all that pain is immense these days, and it is easy to lose sight of happiness, hope and love. I myself know that better now that I ever did, and I see that I did not appreciate a whole lot. Tomorrow, make yourself a promise, no matter how busy you are - to go outside and actually enjoy what is around you. Smile at something small. The quote "Nothing is trivial" never meant more to me than it does now. So just have a great day tomorrow.... and be happy for no other reason than to be happy. I love you all!

I never pray often, never have, never will. However, I find lately that I am praying harder than ever, and hoping all will turn out well. I am not a very religious man by no means, but I guess it is times like these that make me a bit iffy about death. I do not fear it, but I do not want to think about just ceasing to exist. That in itself is the singlemost scary thought that has ever crossed my mind. My brother came back yesterday, and he has not left me since. He refuses to leave the room when I am in there, and refuses not to ask if I am okay every time I go to the bathroom. I cannot say I blame him. I would be doing the same if he were me.

I find that I have tons of friends, online or off, who mean the world to me.

Thank you guys for being there for me. It means a lot.